WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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