Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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