you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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