So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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