I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
and she was petting her beer can
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize