Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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