oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
