just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
