I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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