I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
