I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
