It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
