I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize