I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize