i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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