So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
