i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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