I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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