I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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