There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
