i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
