i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
