dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize