Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
