I think im going to throw up on grandma
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
