i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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