So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
