Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
