I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
