cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
