I cannot find my penis.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
