My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize