I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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