come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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