i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
