xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize