i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Too much gin, very little bucket
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
