I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
