i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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