After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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