I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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