apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
