I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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