M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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