i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
