apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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