i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
