I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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