A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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