You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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