Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
