he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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