I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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