my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
