Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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