He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
