So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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