How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
