I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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