She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
