I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I intend to get homeless drunk
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
