I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
