Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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